WAYUT: Breaking up is easy to do when it's this f***ing guy
Or however that song goes.
Dear Meg,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nine months. It was a mutual decision and what I thought was tender until I kept pondering on it. During the break up he said, “I feel nothing and I still have nothing sweet to say to you. I don’t think I respected you.” How do I stop thinking about him? They aren’t good or bad thoughts. I just can’t stop thinking about why he hasn’t reached out. The whole thing feels very I loved you and the next day I didn’t anymore…
Sincerely,
Boy On The Brain
Dear Boy On The Brain,
Let me first commend you on your decision to end things with someone who sounds like the type of person I’d like to see take a long walk off a short pier.
While I can’t claim to know what your relationship was like for those nine months, I know that breakups, no matter how “for the better” they are, suck. Making the choice to end things with someone is like getting gum out of your hair—often messy, always uncomfortable, and will probably leave you feeling all fucked up by the end of it. You’ll look in the mirror, gum gone, your hair a tangle of uneven chops and too-long pieces, and think, I guess it’s good I don’t have gum in my hair anymore, but what the fuck am I supposed to do now?
You can get a bob that kind of frames your face (talk with friends) or dye it a different color (scream into a pillow), but the only thing that will make you feel as if you’re you again is time passing. And one day you’ll look in the mirror, and those last uneven pieces will have finally grown out, and your medium-length bob (I think it’s called a lob?) will be coming in quite nicely.
The choice to open yourself up to someone is a powerful and meaningful one. To care for and love someone for nine months only for that relationship to end leaves a lasting impact, probably for longer than you want it to. Do not mistake my sincerity for condescension when I say that choosing to unfurl your heart and offer it to another speaks only to your mettle and strength in a world that, too often, scoffs at earnestness.
So believe me when I tell you without a wavering doubt that you are too good for this man.
Too many men are terrified of being alone and, in some ways, it’s understandable. It seems as if every two weeks some news outlet is writing about the epidemic of male loneliness, and how men across the globe suffer from a lack of emotional intimacy with their peers. Just this week, a colleague of mine told me about a story he wrote on making male platonic friends. I asked him if it worked, if he had made a friend. He said he made one friend who he doesn’t really talk to anymore.
These stories are heartbreaking. As someone who considers her friendships a sacred thing, it pains me to know that so many men feel cut off from this part of the lived experience. And yet, I can’t help but remember: Who set this system up?
This is all to say that, too often, I’ve watched men use loneliness as an excuse for cowardice.
In cases concerning emotional and physical abuse, people can feel trapped in relationships. Your relationship does not sound like that. Your relationship sounds like a standard, nine-month long romance that ended with your ex saying some pretty hurtful things he had (seemingly) been holding onto for a long time. So my question is, if this guy was so keen on letting you know that he “didn’t respect you” throughout the entirety of your partnership, why didn’t he ever fucking say anything?
As I’ve waded my way through dating and relationships, I’ve come to understand just how many men are willing to be complacent in connections with people they don’t like. Friends, partners, it doesn’t matter. They go along with a connection simply because they’re utterly uninterested in taking any ownership over their own life. These are men who consider themselves “good” guys and are so petrified of being alone that they wander aimlessly into relationships they don’t really want, then resent their partner for not being their ideal without ever choosing to end things because, well, there’s nothing really wrong with her so I guess I’ll just keep dating her, right? (Wrong! So wrong! You suck if you do this!)
I believe you had tender moments with this man. He could have been kind and loving and good for the majority of your time together, as far as I’m concerned. But the minute he told you that you’re someone he doesn’t “think” he ever “respected” is the minute my respect for him flew out the window. He is not a good guy for quote sticking things out with you unquote. He is a coward. And unless he learns to hold himself accountable, he will walk through life with a listless resentment toward any partner who only ever treats him kindly.
I have sympathy for men who desire more meaningful friendships with other men, or who want a better partnership than the one they have, but that sympathy runs razor thin when those men reveal themselves to be too fearful to take any initiative and actually build those relationships themselves. To those men I say, we’re all scared! Grow up and get over yourself. Ask your male friend to get dinner once in a while you giant, stupid baby.
I digress.
You asked me how you can get yourself to stop thinking about him. Unfortunately, my answer is to think about him more. Send yourself down the spiral, let yourself feel those good and bad thoughts and think about him so hard until your brain hurts and your heart hurts and finally, finally, confusion will take off its mask and reveal itself to be the anger and sadness you haven’t wanted to name. Let yourself grieve the good memories and wallow in the bad ones until you’ve exhausted yourself entirely, and after wading through the shitstorm of all those thoughts and questions and disillusionment, you’ll reach the eye and see this man for who he truly is: just some fucking guy.
I’ve said it in newsletters past, and I’ll say it again—let yourself feel. Be proud of your kind and soft heart, be angry that this man was too far up his own ass to cherish it and you. If nothing else, know that the minute someone says they “don’t know if they ever respected you,” they have revealed themselves to be a coward too afraid to look at the truth of their own, miserable life.
Me saying that you deserve someone who’s kind to you and treats you well doesn’t change the discomfort you’re feeling now, but I’ll say it anyway. You deserve someone who is kind to you and treats you well. You deserve someone who loves you like a verb, active and strong and over and over again. I am so sorry that this man revealed himself to not be that person. His lack of personal integrity has nothing to do with your joyous self. Allow yourself to sit in the frustration of this breakup, reckon with the idea that he may not ever reach out to you again, and know, eventually, that that is truly for the best.
Talk soon,
Meg